Before continuing: If youʼve just emerged from hibernating in a cave the past century, or recently touched down on Earth from outer space, youʼre likely unaware of the iconic television series, Dragnet. In order to address this serious pop culture deprivation, please visit YouTube and listen a moment to Jack Webb, and perhaps one of twentieth century televisionʼs most enduring musical signatures.

And now...


MUSIC: Dragnet Theme

FADE IN: A NONFICTION BOOK COVER - a memoir, how to, biography, autobiography. You name it.

Featuring:

The Announcer: Announcer 

The Director: Joe 

The Asst. Director: Bill 

The Nonfiction Narrator: McGuffin 

The Engineer: Tony

ANNOUNCER 

Ladies and gentleman, the story youʼre about to read is true! It is, after all, nonfiction. The names have been changed to protect the modulators.

INT. RECORDING STUDIO CONTROL ROOM. TONY is sitting at the console in front of the Iso booth.

DIRECTOR JOEʼS VOICE-OVER

This is the studio. New York, New York. I work here. Iʼm an audiobook director. Narrators record books here. Sometimes I hold auditions. Like this one, for my upcoming job. Itʼs nonfiction. Here comes the next narrator.

A NARRATOR strolls into the control room, smiling, iPad in hand. He enters the booth. He sits.

DIRECTOR JOEʼS VOICE-OVER

Name’s McGuffin. He’s like a lot of hot-shot, nonfiction narrators Bill and I run in to. They come in: eager, prepped. They think, I got this gig. Itʼs in the bag.

Tony nods and we can read McGuffin's lips: Chapter One. We silently observe him auditioning.

DIRECTOR JOEʼS VOICE-OVER

And why not! They figure, whatʼs there to narrating nonfiction. Read the book in advance. Look up a few pronunciations. The rest? A snap. Piece of cake! McGuffin here is one of those narrators! Or was...

CLOSE ON MCGUFFINʼS FACE. He abruptly stops reading. He looks up from the mike. Heʼs scared. Plenty scared. Sweat rains from his face as if each pore was a hydrant.

INT. CONTROL ROOM. McGuffin is seated in a black, swivel chair. JOE, and his partner, BILL, are both standing in front of McGuffin, so really, he never has to swivel. Tony is calm and collected; heʼs seen it all before.

JOE

Read McGuffin his rights, Bill.

BILL 

Youʼre a narrator, so you donʼt have the right to remain silent. Anything you inorganically say can and will be used against you. You donʼt have the right to an attorney. It wonʼt help. But you do have the right to an acting teacher. 

And based on your audition, maybe you better get one.

MCGUFFIN

JOE

Weʼll ask the questions. 

BILL

Careful, Joe. I think heʼs carrying.

MCGUFFIN

Hey, I ainʼt armed.

JOE 

Doesnʼt mean youʼre not dangerous.

Did you carry that melodious voice of yours in the booth with you?

Yeah, but the voice is my secret weapon.

Told yaʼ he was carryin.ʼ

Shoulda kept it a secret.

Whatʼs that supposed to—

Before you walk in that booth, deposit the voice outside the door.

Thatʼs the law at this studio.

But Iʼm a voice actor!

Easy. You can keep your voice.

We just donʼt want you to hurt listeners with it.

So, McGuffin, youʼre a narrator.

Voiced thirty books.

Voiced?

You mean acted, performed, right?

Performed! Acted! Whatever!

Heʼs incorrigible, Joe.

Tell me what that means, later. McGuffin, we assume youʼve narrated nonfiction books before.

My specialty.

How so?

My voice has the perfect combo fellas—bass and charm. Bellissimo, eh!

Watch the salty language, son!

Letʼs get started. Did you just read the nonfiction bookʼs first two sentences?

Iʼd have read three, but you guys interrupted me!

Heʼs recalcitrant, Joe.

No salty language, Bill. Remember, weʼre role models.

Whyʼd you stop me?

Iʼm a director. I stop narrators.

Maybe you shouldnʼt.

Youʼre not the first actor to tell me that. Now, back to your specialty.

Son, what do you mean, specialty?

Like I was tryinʼ to say, Iʼm authoritative, resonant, pleasing, smooooth!

Techniques your Aunt Mary taught you, huh.

You know my Aunt Mary. Hey, sheʼs innocent—

If he only knew, Joe.

Ever occur to you that nonfiction narration is about acting?

Yeah.

And?

I let it go. Itʼs nonfiction. Whatʼs to act?

You donʼt mean that.

I think he does, Joe. Maybe you do need a lawyer, son.

Okay, McGuffin, we got another narrator cominʼ to audition in ten minutes.

So let me finish.

Not until you get straight about the facts.

Huh?

Nonfiction. The facts. How to narrate ʻem.

Relax.

Weʼre on your side.

Now, pretend youʼre a listener.

You wanna hear ten hours of vocal sing-song?

Never thought of it that way.

Or you wanna hear a storyteller?

I thought storytelling was fiction.

It is. Nonfiction, too.

With a few differences. Big ones.

I donʼt know what youʼre tellinʼ me.

You will.

I listen to you guys, do I get to finish my audition?

Depends.

On?

You.

Huh?

Your secret weapon.

The sing-song.

Itʼs a story killer.

Give it up.

But itʼs what I do?

Did.

Think of the dazed listener, son. The sing-song. Have you no mercy?

Alright, alright!

Letʼs start at Chapter One.

Howʼs that?

When you narrate nonfiction, whoʼs saying chapter one?

Me. McGuffin.

Gonna be a long ten minutes, Joe.

No. The author. Thatʼs who is telling the nonfiction story. Thatʼs who listeners think theyʼre hearing. So, thatʼs who you are.

But Iʼm a voice...Iʼm an actor.

Then act like the author.

So, I gotta act like a real person. Hey, somethinʼs fishy here.

Weʼre givinʼ it to ya straight.

You gotta sound like an author, who is no actor.

Just how do I pull that off?

Authors aren't in possession of your snazzy cadence.

Or the smooth tone.

They donʼt turn words into wavy music. You dig?

Listeners wanna hear a real person. No characters, either. No character voices.

But I gotta make the book sound interesting.

Not your job.

You gotta make the listeners interested in you!

Me?

And this amazing story you are dying to tell them.

So, I canʼt make the words interesting.

Unless youʼre a magician.

The bookʼs the book. Canʼt juice the words. Not possible, son.

Thatʼs it? I canʼt do characters. Canʼt use my voice to make the book sound interesting. Have to act like the author who canʼt act! Thatʼs boring, fellas.

Only boring when your amazing voice interferes with your enthusiasm to tell this amazing story.

So, youʼre sayinʼ my m.o. should be, listen to this amazing story?

Job one.

How do I interest listeners in hearing about five-hundred ways to get a job promotion when I canʼt emphasize nothinʼ? Stumped ya, huh?

Threw us a slow softball.

Letʼs get this emphasis idea straight, once and for all.

Itʼs about time!!!

Youʼre the author telling this story, right.

Enthusiastically.

Exactly how enthusiastic are you?

Over the moon. This book is my baby.

What do you want listeners to understand about your baby?

Everything.

Just the way you do, right.

Think a listenerʼs understanding requires a lot of emphasis?

Think the ideas, concepts, language they gotta understand in order to be as enthusiastic as you, as smart as you, is gonna take a lot of emphasis?

Yeah, ʻcause Iʼm the expert, but theyʼre just gettinʼ started.

Youʼre the expert, McGuffin, the teacher, the majordomo, and all you wanna do is educate, inform, and convince us listeners to be as excited and informed about this topic as you are.

Then I can emphasize.

Now youʼre cookinʼ!

So long as the emphasis helps your listener understand this subject.


And dig it as much as me.

But remember, McGuffin.

Caveat, huh.

This is a family show, son.

Look, Joe and I here. Our beat is modulation patrol. Twenty-four-seven.

Sing-song that comes from your swanky voice is a crime.

Yeah, on what grounds?

Vocal jive.

Emphasis that comes from a passion for listeners to be as enthusiastic about this story as the author is keeps the narrator on the straight and narrow, son.

Youʼre repeatinʼ yourself.

Iʼm a director. Occupational hazard.

Yeah, yeah. Do I get to finish my audition?

We're all yours.

First, I gotta confess somethinʼ.

Figured you would.

When Iʼm narrating nonfiction, I never really picture my listeners, who Iʼm speakinʼ to. Iʼm just sorta yakkinʼ at the page. So, how do I imagine my listeners, like you guys right now, huh?

Wide-eyed. Weʼre your students. Eager to learn from you.

To absorb your brilliance.

To be wowed.

And remember, weʼre taking notes.

So, donʼt rush it.

Meaning?

Weʼre here to think about what you have to say, so you say it like you want us to think about it. 

Not forget about it.

And that will slow me down?

Unless you believe we can take notes like Superman.

And if youʼre talkinʼ a mile a minute, or makinʼ us woozy with the vocal sing-song... 

Weʼre sleepinʼ, not thinkinʼ.

One last thing. You love havinʼ us listen, donʼt ya?

Sure do.

When you speak, remember, we wanna feel that love from you.

We listeners canʼt always concentrate. So you gotta love us, tickle us with your enthusiasm.

Make us putty in your hands. Now, get in there and audition.

We forgot the oath, Joe.

Huh?

Canʼt audition for nonfiction without takinʼ the oath, son.

Raise your right hand.

Iʼm a southpaw.

Heʼs got moxie like his Aunt Mary. Okay, raise the left and put the other one on this how-to book.

When you record nonfiction, do you solemnly swear: to tell the story, the whole story and nothinʼ but the story, as if youʼre the author?

I do.

To speak as if to a small group, like a classroom?

I do.

To remember that every word in this book is gold?

Worth a kingʼs ransom.

That your enthusiasm for the facts—and not your swell voice—will cause you to emphasize words?

What voice? I left it outside the booth.

To never forget your nonfiction m.o.?

Devotion to the listenerʼs enthusiasm for this amazing story.

I like his moxie, Joe.

Okay, itʼs storytime.

Give us the facts we wanna hear.

The way we wanna hear ʻem!

Music: Dragnet Theme

In silence, we peek through the booth and observe McGuffin narrating. We also see JOE and BILL. Theyʼre nodding, impressed. Tony is calm and collected; heʼs seen it all before.